Beginning of the Second Trimester

I was planning on posting this today:
(insert cute picture)
I feel like things are just getting worse. I was counting down the days to 12 weeks, so I could finally be over "morning sickness", but here I am at 13 weeks sicker than I was a couple of weeks ago. I'm nauseous less, throwing up more...not sure which is better. I've been taking Zofran pretty much daily now and it's a praise that I can keep it down now. Being that I've never had morning sickness, I realized this week that my situation is not usual. Most people are sick for an hour and done. If I'm sick, it's for an entire day. I'll have one whole day of being sick and the next I might be okay. But if I wake up sick, I know that's how the whole day will be.

One night I was just overwhelmed by feelings of everything going wrong. I can't cook, clean, finish a school lesson, keep up on the laundry, work out, do Christmas activities with my kids or even remember to pay our bills. Ben sat me down and asked me to think back about my life when I was pregnant with Alison. I was working a desk job and would be in bed by 6pm. He helped me realized how different life is now and how I have to let go (which is SO extremely hard for me to do) of the expectations I put on my self. He said that I needed to stop cooking and cleaning and go to bed when the kids do. I needed to hear those words, but I still tear up thinking about it. I don't want to stop! I want to have a clean house and healthy meals and have everything that needs to be done, done. I didn't think things could get much worse.


And then they did.
This morning I woke up feeling a little queezy but I was determined that it was going to be a FUN day. I had promised Alison we would bake and decorate gingerbread men this afternoon and then we had a much anticipated Christmas party this evening. I took Zofran right away to ensure today would be "safe" and had some cereal (usually a safe breakfast). We headed to the Y and I was excited to be at class again. I even had a moment in class where I found my self thinking, "this is great! now I can put under my cute prego picture that I just took a bootcamp class!" Yes, I'm realizing that God is stripping my pride away through this trial. I should say that I modified all exercises during the class and didn't do anything that I felt was unsafe. After class, I was talking with some friends and sharing with them that I was SO over this morning sickness thing. All of the sudden, I got hot. Like on fire hot. I thought I was going to be sick, so I rushed to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I quickly realized that something was not right. My vision got blurry, I could barely hear and felt like I was going to pass out. I got out of the bathroom because I knew a secluded bathroom was not the place I should be. Thankfully God put my friends right outside the door and I fell into Autumn's (the group Ex coordinator) arms. She said my face was completely white and she pretty much carried me into Pete (the Y director's) office and told him to call 911. By that time my hands, feet and face were completely numb and I could barely breath. I kept saying I was hot, so Joe found a fan and Autumn just covered me in prayers. I was SO SO thankful that these people knew me well and loved me. They all know our family and knew to call Ben right away. I'm also SO SO thankful that we live in a small town and Ben was there in a matter of minutes. By the time the EMT's arrived the color and feeling was coming back to my body. I must say that I was not overly impressed with these EMT's or the staff at my doctor's office. The EMT's took my vitals and my blood pressure was significantly low. They said they could take me to the emergancy room, but they felt like it was all because of being pregnant. Because I've been so sick, I don't have enough nutrients in my body and am most likely dehydrated and then the baby takes what nutrients I have. They felt by exercising, I used up calories my body doesn't have and essentially made it shut down. Awesome. The doctor's office just told me to go home, rest and eat/drink as much as I can. And if anything else happened to go straight to the ER. The nurse kept saying, "you just need to stop exercising." I was so frustrated with her! Like I'm still jogging while passing out?! It wasn't about exercise at that point, it was about if me and the baby were okay! Ben brought me home and stocked me up on power bars and gatorade. He's made me rest all day and even took Alison to work with him (to finish up a couple of details) while Eli napped. I still feel weak and a little light headed, but supposedly that will go away as my body catches up.

It still leaves me very emotional. I already felt like I was failing at everything and now I'm even failing at taking care of an unborn child. Again, I am SO thankful for people in my life to speak truth to me. I know as God is taking me through this, the Devil is prowling around me, speaking lies to me. I don't want to believe the lies, but I don't know what I am doing! If I eat, I throw up. If I take my vitamins, I throw up. If I exercise, I pass out.

Many, many, many people have offered to help, which I am immensely thankful for. But why is it so hard to ask for help when you need it? I find it hard to know exactly what I need help with and who to ask and when to ask. Is this normal? Is it normal to find it hard to let go of things you want to do and ask someone to do them for you? I feel so weird calling someone up and asking them to take care of my kids or cook me dinner, but is that what I need?

All that to say, you can be praying for us. Praying that my kid's will be resilient as many things will be left undone this Christmas season...I guess this will really help keep our focus where it needs to be. Pray that I will be able to let go and it will be clear to me where people can help me. Pray for Ben as he has to encourage me and take care of all of us. Pray for the baby, that he/she is healthy and getting all the nutrients he/she needs.

Sorry, no picture for now and maybe not for awhile. Maybe someday I'll get out of my pj's :)