38 Weeks

At 38 weeks, I starting having contractions and after lots of food, water, a hot bath and a nap, they still were coming. I just wanted to get a good nights' sleep, but by 2 am they were 2 minutes apart and Beth and I decided to head into the hospital. I had dilated to 4 cm, but after some monitoring, the contractions slowed down. The doctor told me to walk for 2 hours to see if I would dilate to 5 and they would admit me (this is exactly what happened with Eli's birth). 2 hours later I was only a little over 4, but contractions were not consistent...so we headed home. I was so thankful to be back home with my kids, but Beth and I are both exhausted after being up all night and then had to jump into a "normal" day with kids. I have no idea why labor just stopped and was left feeling very confused.  The triage nurse said she didn't think I would make it through the weekend and for sure not until my next OB appointment on Tuesday.  God definitely blessed us with an understanding Commander for Ben and has given him extra "liberties" along the way.  He was able to text me through the night and call after PT in the morning.  I needed to hear his voice and assurance.  Physically, my body was sore from laboring and walking all night and emotionally, I just didn't know how I could handle much more.

God provided comfort, rest and a lot of food for us the next couple of days.  I did make it through the weekend and even to my next OB appointment.  My mom flew in on Saturday night and has jumped in helping entertain kids, cleaning up and running errands.  I had several days of feeling very nauseous and having sparatic contractions, which left me pretty much glued to the couch.  At my OB appointment, my blood pressure was up, my weight has dropped and I'm only dilated 3 cm.  And this is where my sister says I'm a freak of nature.  Seriously?!  Who decreased dilation while having contractions all day, every day?!  I was frustrated with the doctors who seemed to not know anything about me, my history or even care in the slightest...and I'm ready to be done.  I don't think my body knows how to have babies.  I don't think it knows how to labor, it just knows how to be horrible.  Friday I'll be 39 weeks and an induction has been scheduled for Monday morning at 7:30 am.  Ben comes home Friday night, all our family leaves Saturday and we'll have 1 full day to rest before entering life as a family of 5.

This pregnancy has been a hard road for me, but I am SO very excited to hold my son.  I'm excited to hear his cry and count his toes.  I'm excited to really hold my kids again and to hug my husband.  I'm excited to bend over and shave my legs.  I'm excited to not get my shirt wet every time I wash the dishes from my belly resting on the counter.  I'm excited to announce Surprise Baby's name and see what color his hair is.
I do however have one regret as this pregnancy draws to a close.  I regret all the grumbling and complaining I've done.  I regret the bad attitude I've shown my kids and the negative things they've heard me say.  I wish I could go back and erase it all.  I wish I could have just seen the good that God was doing and praise Him for it all and not only see the pain and discomfort I was feeling.  I fear Alison and Eliot will only remember this time as a stressful one, instead of one that really brought us together.  Well, Grandma has Alison out dress shopping and eating Arby's right now, so maybe that will erase some of it.  We'll just have to figure out a cure for Eli :)

36 Weeks

Surprise, surprise...Surprise Baby #3 sent me to the hospital yesterday, just a day shy of 36 weeks-just like all my other babies.  I'll spare the details, but I questioned whether my water had broken and I had been feeling "not so great" all day.  My doctor told me to go get checked out (it's always better safe than sorry), so I called my friend Jamie and off we went.  Thankfully my friend Abby had been with me all day and stayed with the kids until we returned home.  I started having contractions on the way to the hospital and by the time we got there they were 5 minutes apart.  Apparently a woman had delivered a baby right outside the emergency room doors the night before, so all of the nurses were on high alert and whisked me up to the maternity triage.  Good news: my water had not broken and I'm not dilated!  However, I was still contracting so the doctor asked me to stay for a little bit to make sure things wouldn't change.  After lots of water, some good pregnant lady stories from the nurses and a long conversation about margaritas, we were on our way home.  I was so thankful to be home and thankful to still have a baby in my belly.  I don't know if I'll ever fully be ready to have this baby-physically I'm ready to not be pregnant, but emotionally I know it's only the beginning.  I'm excited to see what he looks like and to see Alison and Eliot meet him, but is anyone really ready for labor?  Just wait, in 4 weeks I'm sure I'll be laughing that I said this.

The Nursery

Thanks to a very loving Mimi, the nursery is ready for a baby.  Rachel worked so hard on these decorations and I am beyond thankful for her help.  Plus, she's way more creative than I am, and I just couldn't get the right vision for all the circles.

 The only thing left to do on the "baby list" is santize the binkies.  I think with 5 weeks left, we can handle that one.

32 Weeks

Baby Update:

• heart rate: 144

• Following suite for a Shear baby...I'm measuring small and an ultrasound has been ordered for next week.  Ben and I roll our eyes, as we know we just have small babies, but we'll follow doctors orders and just make sure everything is okay.

• I've started snoring, apparently loud enough to keep Ben awake...and considering I can't wake him up for anything important, it must be loud!

• And the biggest update:

HE HAS A NAME!!!

Deciding on a name was no small feat.  It's been an agonizing process for me and I struggled with being anxious over it.  We've mulled over TONS of names, but our list of options was continously changing.  So one night, we sat down with a big white board and wrote out every name we've ever considered.  I told Ben our son's name was somewhere on that board and we weren't going to bed until we picked his name.  So we each grabbed an eraser and cleared off the names each of us absolutely could not do.  Then we wrote out all first and middle name combinations at the bottom.
Then Ben got a big smile on his face and said, "I think I like this one the best".
And I excitedly said, "REALLY?!  Then that's his name!!!"
And let it be documented that I came up with the name first and months ago had tried to convince Ben it was the perfect name.
We wrote out all the kids names together and I think it fits.  We haven't shared the name with anyone, even the kids.  Alison does not think it's fair, but she still wants a sister too...I guess that's just the hard knock life of a 4 year old.

Surprise Baby's Shower

My sweet friends Jamie and Ashley hosted an amazing baby shower for me.
Amazing is an understatement. These 2 need to go into business! They thought of so many little details that would never even cross my mind.
It was a bow tie theme...Ashley made bow ties for everyone to wear and if you said 'baby' you had to give away your bow tie. Whoever had the most bow ties at the end, won. We even had bow tie cookies and pasta.
Jamie had everyone write encouraging notes to me that I can read when I'm up in the middle of the night. She also had everyone write down their addresses and had all my thank you notes ready to go. Maybe these are just shower standards, but it meant a lot to me.

Ashley even took the time to make little flags for each yummy cupcake

All the women of Hope were invited and I was overwhelmed by their love and generosity. The first people in the door were two women I haven't even met yet! They recently started coming to Hope and I've been meaning to meet them for months, but every week I would stuck in the nursery or something would come up and I would miss them. Anyway, I was blown away that they would come to a shower, bring a gift and even take pictures for me...for a person they hadn't even met! Now that to me is showing Christlike love and it convicted me. I don't think I would have their confidence, but I pray that I would be that kind of friend.

Gifts appeared from women who weren't even there.
One of my friends even had some onesies embroidered for us.

I confess I struggled with feeling guilty. I know that Jamie and Ashley put a LOT of time, work and even money into this shower. I know they sacrificed a lot for me and I felt guilty for having to replace everything for a 3rd child. But the evening was a wonderful time of fellowship and baby processing for me. Alright, I did slightly panic when we played a diaper bag game, and I realized how much I've forgotten about baby supplies. There were a couple of things that I didn't even know what they were-AND I HAVE 2 KIDS! They make all kinds of crazy things for babies these days!

My only request for the shower was a baby name suggestion jar. I think everyone had fun coming up with names and even joking about some funny ideas.
A favorite was: Sherman Sheldon Shear
Others were: William Tyler, Decklan, Colin, Gray, Bryce, Alexander, Aaron, Micah, Joel, Jackson, Jacob, Ethan, Caleb, Noah, Austin, Simon, David

I'm so thankful for wonderful friends and for new babies!
Now let the countdown begin for our baby name deadline:
T-minus 25 days
(that's for you Ben Shear)

28 Weeks, Hello Third Trimester

We like to keep it real, here at the Shear house.
This is how it really it is to be pregnant with a third child:
And this is how you would see me most of the day.
With one kid sitting on the bump and the other leaning against the front, this Surprise Baby won't know what to do with himself without being squashed when he's born.

This picture also proves how much Surprise Baby went on a growth spurt.
It surely explains all of the aches and pains I've been feeling.
I definitely missed the second trimester "I feel amazing and have lots of energy", but it's kind of exciting that the end is closer in sight.
I'm back to measuring a week behind schedule, which actually is reassuring to me. The thought of delivering a large baby is not a pleasant one.

No Wonder...

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and am measuring 27 weeks. I have always, always, always measured small in my pregnancies. Even in this pregnancy, up until now, I've measured a couple of weeks behind. No wonder I've been feeling so horrible...my body is creating a giant!

Thankfully the Lord has given us a week of absolutely beautiful weather, so I can sit and enjoy His creation while my little giant takes over.

24 Weeks

24 weeks

It's amazing how much can change in a short amount of time. A short week ago, I was teaching at the Y and running around with the kids at the park. Then all of the sudden I began to have braxton hicks contractions which turned into strong contractions by the next morning. Strong enough to wake me out of a deep sleep and keep me awake. I attempted to go about my day and drink lots of water to get them to subside. But then consistant lower back pain hit, and I called my doctor. I was told to rest and drink lots of water. When the pain didn't go away by the following day, my doctor asked me to come in so he could check me. Thankfully, I haven't started to dilated and everything with me and the baby is healthy. The baby hit a big growth spurt this week, is sitting literally in my hips and we're hoping this is just my body's way of trying to catch up. However, since I have a history of preterm labor we have to be careful that these "normal" pregnancy pains don't turn into actual labor. So resting it is for me. I'm done teaching at the Y, I've cleared my schedule and some great friends even brought us a couple of dinners this week. I'm still experiencing some strong contractions and lower back pain, but hopefully within the next week things can start to calm down. I can tell the baby grew a lot this week-instead of feeling just random kicks and flutters, I now can feel whole body parts. If Ben puts his warm hand on my belly, the baby will push a leg or head or his bottom up against him. I'm anxious to hold him in my arms and I know that in that second, I won't remember a single ache or pain. I won't remember the months of sickness and tiredness, all I'll remember is his tiny nose and precious feet. I look forward to that moment...it's what get's me through these long days.

Baby Update

We went to our "special" ultrasound this week to check out the dots on the baby's heart. Ben and I were pleasantly surprised with a short wait and a great technician. The doctor said our baby has a beautiful, textbook heart that is functioning perfect. The calcification spots will go away on their own and he has absolutely no concerns for our baby. And Ben now has scored a perfect score for being asked if he is a doctor at our ultrasounds. I had to stifle my laugh because I know he was just pulling out what he heard the last doctor tell us, but he sure did fool this doctor. The baby is sitting so low, we could barely see his face and weren't able to get any good pictures. To be honest, ultrasound pictures just look creepy to me anyway. I'm anxious to see he face in person, and then there will be lots of pictures of our perfect baby!

It's a Baby Brother

On the way home from the ultrasound, we stopped by Target to pick up a few gifts and some ice cream, so we could have a little party to share the baby news with the kids. Honestly, I shed some tears in the car on the way home...I dreaded disappointing Alison, but was so thankful Ben had thought of buying her a new doll. And that doll was worth every single penny (thank you knock off American Girl dolls!). I was also thankful for the cookies Ashley had made with the kids, because that's all Eli cared about. We tried to emphasize that the party was to celebrate our family and all that God has given us. We talked with Alison about all the blessings that will come from being the only girl. She's named her "new sister" Micole, and yes, that's supposed to be a 'M'...but you can call her 'Molly' for short. Elizabeth and Kent bought her a PJ outfit for the doll and everyday she's gotten her ready for bed and dressed again in the morning. I feel like this is the first toy she's really taken ownership of and been really excited about, and it's been a great distraction. Last night, she was helping me cook dinner and she told me that she's really excited about the baby. I sighed some relief, but then she said she was still disappointed that it's not a sister. I've tried to assure her that it's okay to be disappointed (I always thought she would have a sister someday too) and that the whole boy thing is new to me too. I grew up with just a sister and always wondered what it would be like to have another sibling. I never had brothers, I have no idea what it's like to have brothers, nor do I know much about boys, period. So I told her we would have to learn together and someday, Daddy and the boys can go play football and we'll go shopping.

Surprise Baby #3 is a...

BOY!!!

My first thought when I saw our little boy was "oh, he looks different than Eli". Of course he does, but it makes me excited to see him in person in a few short months.

So on to the story of our ultrasound.
Alison was up bright and early, ready for the day. Nana and Granddaddy are visiting and were waiting for her with a heart shaped donut. Eli on the other hand slept until it was time to leave for the appointment. I got him up, dressed and was getting him some milk when he threw up. We all stood there in shock, not sure what to do. I started crying because my poor boy was sick (he's never thrown up) and I didn't want to leave him. I was also stressed because we needed to leave, but didn't know what to do and I was covered in throw up. After a quick clean up, we jumped in the car to take Alison to a friend's and thought we would just attempt to take Eli with us. I knew there were a lot of people praying for us that morning, and I'm so thankful they were...because God provided a wonderful friend to take care of my kids at a time I needed it most. My sweet friend graciously loved on my potentially flu infected son and it was such a wonderful feeling knowing he was being taken care. I was able to relax and enjoy seeing son #2. Eli must have just choked on some congestion, because he never showed another sign of any illness-Praise the Lord! She even made Valentine's Day cards and cookies with them! What a precious gift friends are.
Even after the chaos of the morning, we made it to the appointment on time. I cheated this time around and didn't follow the "drink lots of water and don't go to the bathroom" instructions. I still had to go to the bathroom and was STARVING by the time we got into the ultrasound. The technician put the wand to my belly and before I could even see the baby, Ben announced that he knew what it was. SERIOUSLY?! I said, "Well, it must be a boy if you can already tell". The technician laughed and said he was right. And then she asked if he was a doctor. This has happened every.single.time. we've had an ultrasound. I don't understand how he does it! I could barely make out that it was a baby and he already knows the sex. The technician looked over a couple of things, but she quickly got stuck at looking at the heart and spent, what seemed like forever, analyzing the heart. She found 3 calcification points on the heart. Everything seems to be functioning fine and the size of the heart is normal, but she said 3 points is unusual. Usually she'll see 1 or 2 in conjunction with other "markers" for Down's, but our baby doesn't have any other "markers", just 3 spots. She also said that in her experience it really doesn't mean anything and that it could just be how the baby is positioned and the ultrasound machine is seeing the heart. She had a doctor come in and look at it...both seemed not overly concerned, but thought we should see a specialists just to make sure. As strange as it sounds, I knew this was coming. We went through a similar situation with Eli and it seems like nothing in a child's life can go without extreme scrutiny. I feel good about the health of our baby; I know that he is fearfully and wonderfully made and God is sovereign over all things, even 3 dots on his heart. I am, however, upset that we have to go through the stress of tests and expensive appointments.

Speaking of stress, now he have to name another son.
Rule #1: he will only have ONE name...there will be no nicknames or shortenings! And as I thought about this, I realized that I am the only one that calls Eli, Eli. So I guess this rule is really for myself.
We had a great girl name and I'm slightly, okay really, disappointed we won't be able to use it. Why, oh why, can't boy names be easy for us?!
Alison is calling the baby Charlie. Do you know why? Guess what she watched at Miss Ashley's house while we were at the doctor? That's right. Charlie Brown. Sorry, Alison. 'Charlie' breaks Rule #1.

20 Weeks

I'm exhausted and starving all. the. time.
So much so that I'm often irrational when it comes to food. I almost left church on Sunday because I was THAT hungry. Ben has cooked from scratch, every single one of my cravings. One night he made white chocolate/peanut butter granola bars...I almost had a tantrum when he said I had to wait 2 hours to let them set. I would say it's safe to say that I'm in the "I'm hungry and I need it NOW!" stage of pregnancy.
Some nights I've fallen asleep before Alison...and she goes to bed at 7:30. I keep wondering how this exhaustion is different than sleep deprivation. It doesn't really seem fair that women have to be tired for so many years of their life.

The baby is moving a lot and Ben felt his first kick a few nights ago.

I'm carrying very low, just like I have with my other 2 pregnancies.

I've heard about a million times this week, "You barely look pregnant!". I assured them all to just wait a couple of weeks and they'll be saying, "Wow! You're huge!".

Alison asks every day when the baby is coming and she's very excited about finding out whether it's a brother or sister. Ben has settled with her that if she doesn't get a real baby sister, that she can have an American Girl sister. She seems to be satisfied with that compromise.

Alison thought she needed a belly picture too.

18 Weeks

I had a doctor's appointment this week:

• Blood pressure, good.
• Baby's heart rate: 155.
• Weight gain so far: 6 lbs. The doctor commented, "Wow! You did really good over the Holiday's". Yeah, it's easy to do when you spend them throwing up.

• I attempted to take Flintstone Vitamins again this week, however, it was a failed mission. The Dr. prescribed a prenatal that I can dissolve in applesauce, but I've yet to attempt it. Folic Acid is my one true friend right now.
• I felt the baby's first real kick tonight. It startled me, but was thrilling all the same.
• I was able to saute garlic and onion tonight without throwing up for the first time in 4 months!
• I officially feel pregnant. Ben says people still probably can't even tell, but I feel enormous.
  

16 Weeks

I am happy to report that I haven't been sick in one whole week. HURRAY!!!
I've found that if I drink enough water, I don't feel sick. And if I start not feeling good, I just down a couple glass of water and I'm much better. I wish I would have known that a long time ago.

I've started to feel little baby movements and am anxious for the big kicks (it always eases my mind that everything is okay). My appetite has returned, but seem to be neutral to cravings/aversions.

People still can't really tell I'm pregnant and most days I just feel like I have a large fat roll. I have a feeling that the fat roll will "pop" soon though because the dreaded hip pains have begun.

I'm still teaching at the Y and only had a take a week off after the whole near passing out episode. Looking back over the last 4 months, I'm not sure how I continued teaching through all the sickness, but I'm so thankful that I pushed through. I have a sub lined up to take over at any time that I decide I'm done, but for now I'm enjoying the challenge. Last week my good friend came to class and she told me afterwards, "I'm so thankful you are my friend, or I would have been thinking some really mean thoughts about you." I took it as a high complement. I often worry that my class has become too easy since being pregnant, but it was good affirmation that I still have it!

13 Weeks

On the positive side of this pregnancy, Alison has been saying some pretty cute things. One evening she said, "I'm SUPER-D-DUPER excited about the baby coming!". Then she said, "So mommy, when the baby comes, you'll be a nurse, right?" It made me laugh so hard. Oh the joys of explaining nursing a baby to a 4 year old. She's very perceptive when I'm not feeling well. She'll usually say something like, "I think a cracker will make the baby feel better" or "I think a nap will make the baby not so fussy". It always makes me smile that she thinks the baby's cranky and that's why I'm sick. However, if that's the truth, I'm not super-d-duper excited about meeting the baby.

Ben's theory of why I've been so sick is that the baby has brown eyes. Both our babies have my blue eyes and he would love nothing more than a baby with his eyes. I would love to give him his wish and I sure like his theory better than Alison's cranky baby theory.

Beginning of the Second Trimester

I was planning on posting this today:
(insert cute picture)
I feel like things are just getting worse. I was counting down the days to 12 weeks, so I could finally be over "morning sickness", but here I am at 13 weeks sicker than I was a couple of weeks ago. I'm nauseous less, throwing up more...not sure which is better. I've been taking Zofran pretty much daily now and it's a praise that I can keep it down now. Being that I've never had morning sickness, I realized this week that my situation is not usual. Most people are sick for an hour and done. If I'm sick, it's for an entire day. I'll have one whole day of being sick and the next I might be okay. But if I wake up sick, I know that's how the whole day will be.

One night I was just overwhelmed by feelings of everything going wrong. I can't cook, clean, finish a school lesson, keep up on the laundry, work out, do Christmas activities with my kids or even remember to pay our bills. Ben sat me down and asked me to think back about my life when I was pregnant with Alison. I was working a desk job and would be in bed by 6pm. He helped me realized how different life is now and how I have to let go (which is SO extremely hard for me to do) of the expectations I put on my self. He said that I needed to stop cooking and cleaning and go to bed when the kids do. I needed to hear those words, but I still tear up thinking about it. I don't want to stop! I want to have a clean house and healthy meals and have everything that needs to be done, done. I didn't think things could get much worse.


And then they did.
This morning I woke up feeling a little queezy but I was determined that it was going to be a FUN day. I had promised Alison we would bake and decorate gingerbread men this afternoon and then we had a much anticipated Christmas party this evening. I took Zofran right away to ensure today would be "safe" and had some cereal (usually a safe breakfast). We headed to the Y and I was excited to be at class again. I even had a moment in class where I found my self thinking, "this is great! now I can put under my cute prego picture that I just took a bootcamp class!" Yes, I'm realizing that God is stripping my pride away through this trial. I should say that I modified all exercises during the class and didn't do anything that I felt was unsafe. After class, I was talking with some friends and sharing with them that I was SO over this morning sickness thing. All of the sudden, I got hot. Like on fire hot. I thought I was going to be sick, so I rushed to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I quickly realized that something was not right. My vision got blurry, I could barely hear and felt like I was going to pass out. I got out of the bathroom because I knew a secluded bathroom was not the place I should be. Thankfully God put my friends right outside the door and I fell into Autumn's (the group Ex coordinator) arms. She said my face was completely white and she pretty much carried me into Pete (the Y director's) office and told him to call 911. By that time my hands, feet and face were completely numb and I could barely breath. I kept saying I was hot, so Joe found a fan and Autumn just covered me in prayers. I was SO SO thankful that these people knew me well and loved me. They all know our family and knew to call Ben right away. I'm also SO SO thankful that we live in a small town and Ben was there in a matter of minutes. By the time the EMT's arrived the color and feeling was coming back to my body. I must say that I was not overly impressed with these EMT's or the staff at my doctor's office. The EMT's took my vitals and my blood pressure was significantly low. They said they could take me to the emergancy room, but they felt like it was all because of being pregnant. Because I've been so sick, I don't have enough nutrients in my body and am most likely dehydrated and then the baby takes what nutrients I have. They felt by exercising, I used up calories my body doesn't have and essentially made it shut down. Awesome. The doctor's office just told me to go home, rest and eat/drink as much as I can. And if anything else happened to go straight to the ER. The nurse kept saying, "you just need to stop exercising." I was so frustrated with her! Like I'm still jogging while passing out?! It wasn't about exercise at that point, it was about if me and the baby were okay! Ben brought me home and stocked me up on power bars and gatorade. He's made me rest all day and even took Alison to work with him (to finish up a couple of details) while Eli napped. I still feel weak and a little light headed, but supposedly that will go away as my body catches up.

It still leaves me very emotional. I already felt like I was failing at everything and now I'm even failing at taking care of an unborn child. Again, I am SO thankful for people in my life to speak truth to me. I know as God is taking me through this, the Devil is prowling around me, speaking lies to me. I don't want to believe the lies, but I don't know what I am doing! If I eat, I throw up. If I take my vitamins, I throw up. If I exercise, I pass out.

Many, many, many people have offered to help, which I am immensely thankful for. But why is it so hard to ask for help when you need it? I find it hard to know exactly what I need help with and who to ask and when to ask. Is this normal? Is it normal to find it hard to let go of things you want to do and ask someone to do them for you? I feel so weird calling someone up and asking them to take care of my kids or cook me dinner, but is that what I need?

All that to say, you can be praying for us. Praying that my kid's will be resilient as many things will be left undone this Christmas season...I guess this will really help keep our focus where it needs to be. Pray that I will be able to let go and it will be clear to me where people can help me. Pray for Ben as he has to encourage me and take care of all of us. Pray for the baby, that he/she is healthy and getting all the nutrients he/she needs.

Sorry, no picture for now and maybe not for awhile. Maybe someday I'll get out of my pj's :)

A Tough Road

I'm sure you've noticed the lull in posts the last few months. Life has been crazy and somewhat of a blur. The news of a third baby came as a shock. Our first thought was one of 'this is not what we planned'. Thankfully, Ben immediately moved to 'this is great!' and has been my support and encouragement through it all.

The first several nights I barely slept. I kept waking up in a panic. I could see all of our baby stuff walking away at the garage sale we had this past summer and I was filled with huge regret for getting rid of all the things we would need again. Why must I be such a purger?!

I was immediately hit with "morning sickness", except I would call it 24/7 sickness. This is definitely an item I'm adding to my 'really wish someone would have prepared me for' list. I was never sick with my other pregnancy and never could have imagined a first trimester being this bad. Holy Moly. I was nauseous 24/7, throwing up at unpredictable times. There was a 2 week period that I was on 2 anti-nausea medicines and wearing sea bands and still throwing up. It got so bad that just the medicine dissolving in my mouth would make me sick. I had absolutely no appetite and would often only make it through half a meal. Ben was doing ALL of the cooking, and sadly most of it was out in the garage because I couldn't tolerate any smells. Seriously, what husband do you know is willing to cook in the garage? I know, I'm blessed. There were several times he would sweetly make me something that he would think would help my stomach feel better, but the smell of the preparation of it was too much for me to even handle. When I did feel like eating something, it was fast food. Isn't it strange that greasy food and a coke would make my stomach feel better? I tried everything: ginger, crackers, peppermint, vitamin B-6. If I got down any of my prenatal vitamin, it would make me more sick for the next day (I've been taking the kid's dino vitamins which has helped a lot).

Here's a list of my random cravings and high aversions...
Aversions: cooking chicken, bananas, cooked onions
Cravings: pickled okra, chick-fil-a, starburst, potato chips
My strangest craving has been beer. I hesitated to even put this on here, but let's just be honest, isn't this crazy?! If you know me at all, you know I don't like beer. But it just seems so refreshing and yummy and I really want one...don't worry, I've resisted.

The night before we found out, I was signing up for a 10k, a half marathon and 6 training classes to start up 2 new high intensity classes at the Y. Right as I was about to complete my transaction, our internet went down. Let me correct that...my internet went down. Ben's was still working, which I thought was really strange, but I just thought I could finish in the morning and went to bed. Now I see the Lord's hand in it and protecting me from more regret.

In one day, EVERYTHING in my life changed. 6:30 am devotions and coffee were out the window. I could barely peel myself off the couch or out of the bathroom and I felt like I was hugely neglecting my kids. I'm not sure how Ben even got dressed for work because laundry was piled high in our closet. I lost my "high impact" instructor position at the Y...I could barely make it through a work out for that matter. I couldn't grocery shop, cook or clean for my family. Healthy eating? It went out the door with the devotions. Homeschooling? I would maybe get through half a reading lesson with Alison, but that was it for school. We didn't play outside, or read books, or go to the library.

The last few months have been a hard emotional, physical, spiritual, even financial journey for me. I've struggled with guilt. Guilt over not being excited. Guilt over being mad about it all. Guilt over mourning the loss of my past life. This past year has been WONDERFUL, absolutely wonderful. I remember having a moment not that long ago: Ben and I were running the Windsor Castle Trail. I looked over at Ben and just thought how perfect things felt. I love running with my husband several times a week. I love cooking with him and working on church events with him. Life just felt fun and easy. And that's when I felt the Lord tell me that He gave us this fun, easy year to prepare us and strengthen us for a not-so-easy year. That not-so-easy year came quicker than I anticipated. I've struggled with my selfish sin, but I know that this trail will bring blessing. God gave us a healthy baby, and I know a year from now I will not be able to see life without that baby.

A wise friend, who went through a similar situation, told me that she would ask herself at the end of the day, "did I read my bible? Do my kids know I love them?". Those words really hit me. She was right. Where are my priorities and where is my focus as I go through this trial. There are times all I could look at was my self. But I should be looking to Christ for my strength and comfort. Instead of using my little energy to worry about folding a load of laundry, perhaps I should open His Word. And thank you to all my family, who has shown me His great love through this time. They have prayed for me, taken care of me and loved me.

I will assure you, that although I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, the doctor's say everything is healthy and fine. I heard the heartbeat this week and it was a solid 150. My dino chews have enough vitamins in them and he was more concerned about me being able to hold down food that the actual vitamin. I've only gained 1 pound, but he said as long as I'm not losing weight and still able to hold down water, then I'm good. I'm excited to say that this week has been a lot better. I haven't been as nauseous or as effected by smells. That's a HUGE praise to me. My appetite has come back a little bit and I even was able to work out a little more this week.

I'm adjusting to this new life God has given me and excitement will come. Ready or not, a baby will here in June!

P.S. Alison informed me tonight that she thinks we should name her new baby sister Emma. Not a bad choice, Peanut...I sure hope this baby is a girl!

Surprise!!!

Surprise might be an understatement. You see, the day I was supposed to be getting long term birth control, I found out that God had given us an unexpected blessing. It makes absolutely no sense that a baby #3 is on it's way...in fact, the doctor's laughed for a good minute about our little "situation". I wish I could say that this surprise was welcomed with joyful excitement, but truthfully, it's been a hard journey thus far. I'll share more about that later, but for now here are some pictures...

The day we found out:

Ironically, I'm wearing the same outfit I was wearing when I found out I was pregnant with Eli...I don't think I'll be wearing that outfit ever again.

8 weeks: