A Tough Road

I'm sure you've noticed the lull in posts the last few months. Life has been crazy and somewhat of a blur. The news of a third baby came as a shock. Our first thought was one of 'this is not what we planned'. Thankfully, Ben immediately moved to 'this is great!' and has been my support and encouragement through it all.

The first several nights I barely slept. I kept waking up in a panic. I could see all of our baby stuff walking away at the garage sale we had this past summer and I was filled with huge regret for getting rid of all the things we would need again. Why must I be such a purger?!

I was immediately hit with "morning sickness", except I would call it 24/7 sickness. This is definitely an item I'm adding to my 'really wish someone would have prepared me for' list. I was never sick with my other pregnancy and never could have imagined a first trimester being this bad. Holy Moly. I was nauseous 24/7, throwing up at unpredictable times. There was a 2 week period that I was on 2 anti-nausea medicines and wearing sea bands and still throwing up. It got so bad that just the medicine dissolving in my mouth would make me sick. I had absolutely no appetite and would often only make it through half a meal. Ben was doing ALL of the cooking, and sadly most of it was out in the garage because I couldn't tolerate any smells. Seriously, what husband do you know is willing to cook in the garage? I know, I'm blessed. There were several times he would sweetly make me something that he would think would help my stomach feel better, but the smell of the preparation of it was too much for me to even handle. When I did feel like eating something, it was fast food. Isn't it strange that greasy food and a coke would make my stomach feel better? I tried everything: ginger, crackers, peppermint, vitamin B-6. If I got down any of my prenatal vitamin, it would make me more sick for the next day (I've been taking the kid's dino vitamins which has helped a lot).

Here's a list of my random cravings and high aversions...
Aversions: cooking chicken, bananas, cooked onions
Cravings: pickled okra, chick-fil-a, starburst, potato chips
My strangest craving has been beer. I hesitated to even put this on here, but let's just be honest, isn't this crazy?! If you know me at all, you know I don't like beer. But it just seems so refreshing and yummy and I really want one...don't worry, I've resisted.

The night before we found out, I was signing up for a 10k, a half marathon and 6 training classes to start up 2 new high intensity classes at the Y. Right as I was about to complete my transaction, our internet went down. Let me correct that...my internet went down. Ben's was still working, which I thought was really strange, but I just thought I could finish in the morning and went to bed. Now I see the Lord's hand in it and protecting me from more regret.

In one day, EVERYTHING in my life changed. 6:30 am devotions and coffee were out the window. I could barely peel myself off the couch or out of the bathroom and I felt like I was hugely neglecting my kids. I'm not sure how Ben even got dressed for work because laundry was piled high in our closet. I lost my "high impact" instructor position at the Y...I could barely make it through a work out for that matter. I couldn't grocery shop, cook or clean for my family. Healthy eating? It went out the door with the devotions. Homeschooling? I would maybe get through half a reading lesson with Alison, but that was it for school. We didn't play outside, or read books, or go to the library.

The last few months have been a hard emotional, physical, spiritual, even financial journey for me. I've struggled with guilt. Guilt over not being excited. Guilt over being mad about it all. Guilt over mourning the loss of my past life. This past year has been WONDERFUL, absolutely wonderful. I remember having a moment not that long ago: Ben and I were running the Windsor Castle Trail. I looked over at Ben and just thought how perfect things felt. I love running with my husband several times a week. I love cooking with him and working on church events with him. Life just felt fun and easy. And that's when I felt the Lord tell me that He gave us this fun, easy year to prepare us and strengthen us for a not-so-easy year. That not-so-easy year came quicker than I anticipated. I've struggled with my selfish sin, but I know that this trail will bring blessing. God gave us a healthy baby, and I know a year from now I will not be able to see life without that baby.

A wise friend, who went through a similar situation, told me that she would ask herself at the end of the day, "did I read my bible? Do my kids know I love them?". Those words really hit me. She was right. Where are my priorities and where is my focus as I go through this trial. There are times all I could look at was my self. But I should be looking to Christ for my strength and comfort. Instead of using my little energy to worry about folding a load of laundry, perhaps I should open His Word. And thank you to all my family, who has shown me His great love through this time. They have prayed for me, taken care of me and loved me.

I will assure you, that although I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, the doctor's say everything is healthy and fine. I heard the heartbeat this week and it was a solid 150. My dino chews have enough vitamins in them and he was more concerned about me being able to hold down food that the actual vitamin. I've only gained 1 pound, but he said as long as I'm not losing weight and still able to hold down water, then I'm good. I'm excited to say that this week has been a lot better. I haven't been as nauseous or as effected by smells. That's a HUGE praise to me. My appetite has come back a little bit and I even was able to work out a little more this week.

I'm adjusting to this new life God has given me and excitement will come. Ready or not, a baby will here in June!

P.S. Alison informed me tonight that she thinks we should name her new baby sister Emma. Not a bad choice, Peanut...I sure hope this baby is a girl!